Wife of one, mom to many

    Last week I opened a book to have some pictures fall out. They were pictures of a two year old little girl that we cared for for 18 months. She ultimately went to live with her grandmother and these were the first pictures we received after she left. It was hard. It was less hard when I saw them again this time, after six years. I have healed. The piece of my heart that went with her has since grown back. There is still a scar and there was still a tug at that old wound so many years later, but I healed and I am sure she has too.
     Today, I opened up facebook to find some pictures of a couple of little darlings I fell in love with last year. It has been 9 months since I have caressed their cheeks or given them a hug. I am healing, but not yet healed. My heart skipped a beat and I miss them so much. My life goes on as does theirs. They have grown, they have changed, but the eyes are the same and the smile... oh, that smile. In this case a picture is not worth a thousand words. It makes me long to hear a laugh or a little bit of that sassy attitude that endeared me to them. It makes me want to touch them and scoop them up into my arms for a hug, but alas, it is not to be. I am glad for the chance to know that they are ok. That they are around family who loves them.
     Why do I do this? Why do I put my family and my heart and myself through so much grief? Why do I deal with parents who hate me because I was the one who ended up caring for their child, when they could not? Why do I put up with inspections of my house and regular background checks? Why did I quit my job to stay home full time to meet the needs of these children? Why do I spend my energy and my money and my time to keep children who are not mine? Why do I give up a social life in exchange for children who need extra care, extra love, extra attention, extra supervision, extra parents? Why do I fall in love knowing full well my heart will be broken again and again?
    I do this for them. I do this for you. I do this for our future, because these children come from hard places and some of them have very little chance to see functioning families. I want to show them, for one day or one week, or one month or one year, or for the rest of their childhoods, that life does go on and people can love you no matter what. I want them to see that love is an action, love is a sacrifice. Love is worth every moment you put into it. I do this because they have broken hearts too. They have lost something irreplaceable in there lives. I do this to help heal, for the time allotted,  their little broken hearts. I listen to their tears and their screams, their hate and their fears. I cry with them and for them, because I just don't do things half way. I fall all the way in love with them and I help them limp until they can walk. Even then, their scars still feel that tug every once in a while, that tug of pain from the loss, even though they have healed. So babies, I am here. I will do my part. I will love you forever.
  

What am I doing with the light?

     Here it is, confessions of an often overwhelmed mother, wife, friend, sister, daughter, etc. I get bitter and I get judgmental. As this happened the other day, I caught myself and began to pray. I asked God to change my heart and how I think. Now, I don't know about you, but when I have asked this in the past. I always seem to be given a challenge. A job to help my mind accept a new way of doing things. Most often it involves giving up control of something, something I am sure I am the only person alive that can do properly. That didn't happen this time and I was pleasantly surprised and very thankful. This time it was a vision, and it was exciting.
     There was not much to it, but it was so powerful and meaningful that I couldn't help but get excited. It was a crystal with light shining through it and in the background was a mirror, with the same light shining on it. That was it. Here is why it was so exciting. I am to be the crystal... or I can be the mirror. The light of course, is YAHWEH. It was really about the light and what I am able to do with it. Am I a reflection of  God, or am I refracting God? If I am reflecting the light then I am letting people see who they are in the light of God. Light refraction is amazing to me. It takes every part of the light and shows it off. It turns pure light into a rainbow without changing it at all. There are so many parts of God!
     How or what makes me a crystal or a mirror? They both need to be clear to do their job. With every unrepentant sin in my life I lessen the usefulness of myself. But, I just kept thinking transparent. Am I being transparent? Am I pretending to be something I am not? Am I pretending to be perfect? I am made in the very image of Yahweh, but I am a sinful human. Can I accept this and let others see what and who I really am? In both cases the light goes through me, but in the case of the mirror, it stops at the metal and reflects back through, so that others can see themselves in the reflection of the light. The crystal also uses metal to enhance its uses. Crystal is 25%+ lead, according to John Kennedy at Waterford. The lead is what makes for light refraction. The other attribute I need is availability. Am I hiding away in the temple where no one can see me that is not already holy? Or am I willing to set myself in the world, available for use by those who have not seen "the Light"? Am I willing to chance a scratch or some other hurt that might make me look less perfect in order for the light to have its effect on the world?
     So in the end crystal and mirrors have the same essential parts. They are only different in their uses and they are only really useful when utilizing the light! So I think, once again... it is not about me, or what I think, but about Him and His thoughts are greater than mine.

Why not?

My daughter came to to tell me how she is handling the question "why don't you celebrate Christmas" amongst the Christians in our life. It is that time of year. We as Americans focus on the Holidays, family, and tradition. Her answer was that it just didn't fit in our family. This is true, but we have celebrated this festive holiday in the past. I have thought on this a lot. I didn't have an easy answer, and it is not always appropriate to go into the long answer.
      I will start with the easy answer. There is not always time or desire of the recipient to hear the long version. I still want to give an answer and I want my younger children to have an answer to give as the time comes. Jesus did not celebrate Christmas. I want to be more like Him, therefore I do not celebrate it.

Christmas Icon

     Now for the long answer. This has been a long time coming. I have had questions about Christmas for a very long time. "Why do we give gifts to each other on the birth of Christ." "What do you give the creator of the world for His birthday?" "I already gave Him my heart, I can not give it again." (this was actually a quote from my 17 year old while we were discussing Christmas) There is the birdseed idea... I tried giving each child only three gifts because they certainly do not deserve more than Jesus received. The other thing I always heard was we don't actually know His real birthday. How can we not know that. Weren't Mary and Joseph going back to Bethlehem for something important. It wasn't just the census. Caesar did the census at that time because they were all going to be in their hometown. I thought I heard that somewhere, but I can find no reference. We know, though that the likelihood of the story happening in December was about 0%. It is the rainy season and the shepherds would not have been out in the fields at night. The travel would have been far more difficult, especially with a late pregnancy. So, even if we were to guess, December would not be an educated guess. There are theories out there that He was conceived of the Holy Spirit in December though, based on what is known of the birth of John the baptist. Related? maybe. And, what about Mithra? A middle eastern "sun-diety" said to be born on December 25th and the connection between the earth and the sky... HMMMM. Next we have Santa... How did he ever make it into the celebration of the savior of the world? His hat comes from the Greek god Attis. It is called a Phrygian hat and hails from a cult that was popular in Greek world around late 4th century BC, according to Wikipedia. The gifts by the fire look to be of Norse mythology(Sinterklaas). The sleigh and reindeer seem to be a combination of Odin and Artemis.  It looks to me like we just took a little from each culture represented in America and formed him. That kind of sounds like a certain golden cow... So I tried celebrating it without Santa at all. My younger children never thought he was real. Then there is the whole eerie similarities between Santa and Moloch. Scary, to say the least, but you will have to research that one yourself. Next I discovered the history of the wreath. I was looking into the significance of the tree and ran across the symbolism of the wreath. From what I can gather it was merely a way to look forward or hope for spring. Evergreen bows were brought into the house because they were the only living thing that survived the winter. It appears to be an earth worship revolving around the seasons that we as Christians adopted into our culture. Then.... as if it had never been there before a scripture was revealed to me in Jeremiah. It brought to mind Mark 7:7-9 and what I want when I worship God Almighty is for it to have meaning to Him. Seems pretty clear no me. So not we are down to no tree, no santa, no gifts, and we are celebrating the birth of the Son of God on the wrong day.
     So in the end my family and I have decided that to put money and effort and space and time into a holiday that is not Holy, is chalk full of pagan rituals, and has no worshipful meaning to the God of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob (who is the God I claim to serve) is a waste. Instead we are learning, ever so slowly, about the biblical feasts that are "the shadow of things to come" col 2:17. This is the way God asked for worship and I am growing daily in my faith as I gaze upon the shadow, focus on the shadow, and anticipate the things to come.
     We each come to our Lord and Savior on different paths. Sometimes we have the pleasure of crossing paths and coming to new knowledge together. Here is the path I have been on. I did not make this decision lightly, in fact, I probably was ready to make the decision long before I actually did it. If you found this, it is because you were led here for a reason. God loves you and is jealous for you. I encourage you to put away your idols and your pagan ways. We have adopted the customs of Christmas blindly and have been deceived. The truth will set you free. The truth is in the bible. Jesus is the Savior of the World. Find Him in the Bible and look back to the old testament for God the Father. He has not changed! Jesus came to complete the instruction of the Torah. It is finished!

Dream Big

     I found a perfect little piece of property on the beach! It is beautiful and I can just imagine sipping my morning coffee, sitting on the front porch, looking out at the ocean! The dream is easy, it is the rest of it that will take effort. Effort I am not sure I have the time or energy or desire to muster. I would have to give up so much to live the life I want... is it really worth it?
     When they did perk holes, they found clay, silt, and of course, sand. We must dig past the sand because it is unstable. Sand is highly effected by wind and water. It will be blown away or eroded with the least amount of change in the weather. It will change according to what is going on around it. We must dig past the clay. Clay bonds with virtually anything it comes into contact with, good, bad, or ugly. Due to its ability to bond, weather extremes effect it. When freezing weather  comes, it will heave. Pressure will cause it to harden and heat will cause a crust and cracks in the clay. Because it is a flat molecule, water makes it slick and unstable. The silt will not be an ideal place to build either. Although, when the wind and heat come it dries and becomes compact and seems like a stable foundation, it is slick when the rains come, because it doesn't drain. So we must dig all the way to the bedrock. This is going to be a huge task.
     So the footings are in and no amount of wind, rain, or extreme weather will separate it from its foundation. Now we need to look at the distance between the footings and ground level. The silt, clay, and sand will effect the structure, so we must make it strong enough to withstand those effects. We will make it out of rock. Concrete walls all the way up past ground level. That should do it. That should keep my home safe.
     I have put in a lot of time and effort at this point. The dream still seems so far away. The house has not even begun to be built. No walls to protect me from the weather, no bedrooms in which to seek rest, and no kitchen to fill my ravenous hunger. If I downsize the plan, I can have some of my dream sooner. Hmmmm.
     It is much like our life in Christ. First, we must make the choice. Do we want the freedom that comes with belief in the Only begotten Son of the Father? Are you willing to go past the naysayers that are constantly changing with every new fad? The ones who are blown this way and that when the wind rises, and washed away by the tides that are constantly changing? Are you willing to get messy as you get past the people who believe everything is true. It is just a matter of perspective. They heave with the frustrations and bitterness of the world they hold dearly. They become hard when they are left alone in the heat of the trials of life. Are you willing finally to muck past the loved ones who seem so strong and firm until life gets difficult. They are so saturated by the world that they will not even hold themselves up. They melt into a mushy mess that nobody really knows what to do with. Are you willing to build your life on "The Rock"?
     There is more, though. You must use the "Rock" to protect yourself from the influences of the world and from false doctrine. You must trust and know the foundation, so that you can utilize the whole thing. Otherwise how can you build on it. It is not unheard of to build a small house on a large foundation, but why? Why would you not use the entire foundation to build an abundant life. Jesus gave us example after example. Does the dream of freedom and abundance seem far away? Are you going to try to figure out a shortcut and end up shortchanged?
     I personally am choosing to live an abundant life. I will use as much as I can of the example of Jesus. I believe our abundance and freedom in Christ is directly linked to the amount of the foundation we use in Him. It will take more time and more energy. I will have to find out how much my foundation can hold to maximize my freedom. He lived a Jewish life, therefore I will look at the Jewish faith and live accordingly. He loved the sinners, therefore I will love the sinner. He rested, therefore I will rest. He prayed, therefore I will pray. He wept, therefore I will weep. He corrected the Pharisees, therefore I will correct the Pharisees. He allowed those around Him to choose their path, therefore I will not control those around me.  I will succeed because my foundation is the strongest one available. I will fail because I am not the "Rock" I am merely the temple of the Holy Spirit.

◄ Matthew 7 ►

New International Version Judging Others 1“Do not judge, or you too will be judged. 2For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you. 3“Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? 4How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? 5You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye. 6“Do not give dogs what is sacred; do not throw your pearls to pigs. If you do, they may trample them under their feet, and turn and tear you to pieces. Ask, Seek, Knock 7“Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. 8For everyone who asks receives; the one who seeks finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened. 9“Which of you, if your son asks for bread, will give him a stone? 10Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake? 11If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him! 12So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you, for this sums up the Law and the Prophets. The Narrow and Wide Gates 13“Enter through the narrow gate. For wide is the gate and broad is the road that leads to destruction, and many enter through it. 14But small is the gate and narrow the road that leads to life, and only a few find it. True and False Prophets 15“Watch out for false prophets. They come to you in sheep’s clothing, but inwardly they are ferocious wolves. 16By their fruit you will recognize them. Do people pick grapes from thornbushes, or figs from thistles? 17Likewise, every good tree bears good fruit, but a bad tree bears bad fruit. 18A good tree cannot bear bad fruit, and a bad tree cannot bear good fruit. 19Every tree that does not bear good fruit is cut down and thrown into the fire. 20Thus, by their fruit you will recognize them. True and False Disciples 21“Not everyone who says to me, ‘Lord, Lord,’ will enter the kingdom of heaven, but only the one who does the will of my Father who is in heaven. 22Many will say to me on that day, ‘Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in your name and in your name drive out demons and in your name perform many miracles?’ 23Then I will tell them plainly, ‘I never knew you. Away from me, you evildoers!’ The Wise and Foolish Builders 24“Therefore everyone who hears these words of mine and puts them into practice is like a wise man who built his house on the rock. 25The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house; yet it did not fall, because it had its foundation on the rock. 26But everyone who hears these words of mine and does not put them into practice is like a foolish man who built his house on sand. 27The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house, and it fell with a great crash.” 28When Jesus had finished saying these things, the crowds were amazed at his teaching, 29because he taught as one who had authority, and not as their teachers of the law.

  

Peace keeping

     It is what we all want. Peace, contentment, and happiness are sought after and fought for in every region of the world. Here, however is the dilemma; are we keeping the peace or making peace?
      By definition, peace keeping is easy, because it implies that there was peace to begin with. So, if we are talking what to do as conflict arises, we are by no means discussing peace keeping. You now have a choice. Do you test the authenticity of the relationship, or do you sweep your concerns under the rug to be tripped over at a later time. What many will do is give in to the demand or desires of the other to avoid conflict. The result of this is bitterness and anger. It breaks down trust, it removes the ability to truly love and respect another person. Love, as we see in 1 Corinthians 13, rejoices in the truth. Because we are called to a brother love (John 13:34), we can no longer in good conscious step away from conflict. We must make peace.
     Think about brotherly love. Picture if you will 5 year old Matthew and 7 year old Todd. Matthew says to his friend that Todd has stinky feet. Does Todd have stinky feet? Probably, he is after all a 7 year old boy. This however makes Todd angry. What does he do? Does he ignore that anger and pretend he was never offended? Most likely not. Like any good brother, he would show how much he loves Matthew by pushing him down and yelling at him about how mad he is. He will express his desire for him to "take it back" or "say your sorry"  Matthew on the other hand will probably just apologize, right? Wrong! Oh, you only had sisters? Listen carefully then, because I believe as we have come a long way in the women's movement, along the way we forgot what men are. God did not want for us to have sisterly love, He wanted brotherly love.
     Girls tend to be "peace keepers".  They avoid conflict because it is the ladylike thing to do. They become bitter and angry and mistrusting of everyone. They keep the hurt inside to chew on for days, weeks or years.  Boys duke it out. They do not mince words and there is rarely any confusion about how two boys feel. They say everything that needs to be said without regard to the other's feelings or pain. When they are done, they are done. Often walking away as friends. Brother's would never turn their backs on each other, they will protect each other to the death. They have brotherly love.
     Peacekeeping is a fallacy. If it is happening, no one is talking about it, and there is really no reason to. If it is being talked about the peace is likely already been broken. Peace only returns when conflict has been resolved. I am by no means recommending the "duke it out" approach, but if you choose to have the discussion in an attempt to resolve the conflict, you might have to "duke it out" verbally. You might say something that hurts someone else, you might have to listen to something that is painful to hear. If someone has offended you, go to them. Do everything you can to be at peace with those around you, really at peace. Resolve the conflict so that "by this, everyone will know" you are disciples of Christ.
Matthew 5:9  “Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called sons of God.